The Rundown
Copa/Euro
Loose Ends
Welcome back everyone, the NBA Free Agency pool is drying up and summer league has begun, which brings us to the most important part of the NBA season: accountability — The NBA Errors and Omissions. It’s time for us (a.k.a. Statman Dan) to carefully analyze the data that’s been collected over the past 7 months. We’ve spent all season just ripping it, letting the takes fly into the NBA discourse stratosphere. If we don’t sift it, who will? Who will hold us accountable if not ourselves? If we don’t clean up our own pollution, who is to stop the discourse from degrading and falling into a cesspool of rot. If not us, then who? If not now, then when? That’s why we (he) need to figure out what I (we) got right and wrong this year.
So we’ll be working on that, but in the meantime, we spent the week watching a lot of soccer. We’re normally not a soccer column, but I have been following the Copa America and the Euro — I admit that I enjoy tuning in for the big international tournaments.
Now, I have no idea what I’m talking about when it comes to soccer which is why we don’t talk a lot of soccer. I'm an idiot, the typical casual fan, but I am taking notes. I’m making observations, whinging to myself, and annoying my editor with my odd fixations, ideas, and hot takes (thru texts) as I watch.
So I’m going to empty the notebook for all of you — to let you see how the inner machinations of my mind worked as I watched.
Soccer observations and questions from a layman:
Why do they all put up with the flopping?
First of all, it’s out of control. It makes James Harden look like Saint Francis. Secondly, how are the refs still falling for it? The replays of some of these fouls have players barely touching each other and crumpling like a wet paper towel and we’re calling fouls — it’s ridiculous! And the announcers, they barely even acknowledge it, it drives me insane. They’re flopping! It’s cowardly! We would all benefit greatly from Jeff Van Gundy being the color commentator on these games because he would kill these players for their pathetic theatrics.
Why do they always try to kick over the wall?
Is it not easier to set up someone in the box with a pass rather than kick it over a wall with a shot than inevitably sail one over the net for a routine goal kick? Maybe the counter is that there’s more traffic in the box, but at least there’s a chance of a wild deflection instead of the player kicking it into the wall or ending with a goal kick 98% of the time.
The Euro and Copa America champs should play each other.
They just should.
It must be…really hard to hit a ball on target.
My main complaint with soccer is that they don’t shoot enough. There’s some built-in boredom from the lack of scoring, but god forbid they shoot the ball with reckless abandon. I’m probably screaming 5-8 times a half, “shoot!” But when they do shoot, it’s rarely on target. It’s wide left, wide right, or they’re sailing it over the goal. The stat sheet will say 9 shots - 2 on target, 7 shots - 1 on target, it’s awful. These are the world’s best soccer players and they’re rarely hitting anything on target. Maybe they’re rushing their shots, maybe we need to expand the goal by a yard (why are you booing me, I’m right!), or maybe it’s just hard. Maybeee.
Why can’t they give time in a penalty box instead of a red card?
I can’t tell the difference between a yellow card play and a red card play. In Uruguay- Brazil, they finally sent a player off with a red card, but I watched the teams make those same fouls the entire game. Why can’t we just lock them away for a couple minutes, like in hockey. Introduce a power play, generate some excitement for five minutes where one team is really trying to capitalize on momentum.
We really can’t just pause the clock here?
At one point, when an Uruguayan player was red carded, he complained for about 5 minutes, stopping play. I understand the retort that “they’ll give those minutes back in extra time,” but this leads to the other issue I have: that this “extra time” appears to be decided at the discretion of the referees who are terrible. Has anyone watched a soccer game where the reffing wasn’t a disaster? We’re trusting these refs to make the extra time call??? The refs seem to call it whenever they feel like it. Isn’t it easier to just pause the clock?
No extra time in Copa America??? They’re playing on a smaller field???
What are we doing here? This is supposed to be one of the biggest international tournaments we have besides the World Cup, and they’re playing on smaller fields? This isn’t amatuer hour at open mic night. And then, there’s no extra time? We go straight to penalties when in both the World Cup and the Euro we have extra time and then penalties? It doesn’t make sense! We do it for every other major tournament, but not the Copa America? We’re losing out on thirty minutes of additional exhaustion and pressure that should be weighing on the players as they make the solemn walk from midfield to the box to face the world. It just makes the Copa America look like an inferior product to the Euro when you have them playing by different rules on smaller fields.
When has the stutter step ever worked?
If I was the manager of a team, and I saw a player stutter step before a penalty I would drag them off the pitch/field (whatever pompous name you want to call it) myself. Stop trying to outwit the goalkeeper! It never works! They’re just practicing poor technique on their kicks which is why they always miss! Or they panic when the keeper just waits or guesses correctly, and choke! Have some conviction, some gumption, and hang some onions! Pick a corner and punch it through the net — it’s unblockable!
England is the worst
Maybe I’ve been inhaling too much firework smoke from the Fourth that I’m feeling extra patriotic, but I find England to be just insufferable. Their play style fits perfectly with their English cuisine — it’s awful. Not to mention, their fans are annoying. “It’s coming home.” I’m so sick of hearing that phrase. England are the Cubs, except they were never lovable losers because everyone just hates them! I hope it never comes home. I hope we get to see them choke every time they play.
Loose Ends
Now, we’re running out of time, but quickly, let’s close out NBA Free Agency.
Derrick White joining Team USA as replacement to Kawhi Leonard
Basketball player who can not stay healthy does, in fact, not stay healthy. More at 11. It should’ve been Jalen Brunson.
Kings acquired DeMar DeRozan in sign and trade
DeMar DeRozan is the epitome of a good player on a bad team putting up good numbers. The perfect mediocre “star” for a mediocre team with middling expectations.
I’m not in love with the fit. They’re pairing two mid-range, slashing guards together in Derozan and Fox. I worry about their spacing and DeRozan’s history of underperforming in the playoffs, but the Kings want to make the playoffs and need to get there first before that becomes a concern.
At the very least, DeRozan should add another layer of fun to Sacramento.
That’s all we have time for today. We will try to do better next time.
Around the NFL, Dan, Gregg, all the guys, it was a great run. Heed the call